The good lady and I have just returned from a holiday on Fraser Island at a resort that boasted bird watching tours with the close personal help of a qualified Forest Ranger

However, when the allotted time for our twitching session arrived, the weather turned crook and the ranger took one look at the sky before canceling the excursion and returning to the bar.

Thus we were left without any formal lessons on the naming of the local wildlife and over the course of the next few days were forced to invent our own names for any feathered creatures we encountered.

Although there are over three hundred and fifty native species of bird that frequent the island, I was shocked and fascinated to see the high number of exotic birds which have made their way onto the island. They are particularly numerous in the vicinity of the resort where they may have been attracted by the abundance of food scraps and cool watering places. As the native bird species are already well catalogued elsewhere, I have put together a brief field guide detailing the Exotic Birds of Fraser Island, and relying on our own nomenclature.

The area surrounding the resort's swimming pools was primarily inhabited by the following species:

• The Noisy Twat (English and German varieties)
• The Imported Hops Guzzler
• The Grumpy Grey Belcher
• The Purple-Crested Finicky Nit-Picker
• A number of Juvenile French shriekers

The beach areas abounded in exotic birdlife. A number of Mullet Crested Cod Fishers spent most of the day perched on the end of the jetty. At sunset a flock of Yappy Jap Snappers landed on the sand near me. And during the day great flocks of other creatures splashed about in the shallows of the nudist beach. Amongst them I catalogued the following:

• The Great Black Cock
• The Red Scrubby Thrush (relative of The Sandy Wet Jock)
• The Floppy Tit Wine Sipper
• The Large Breasted Prick Teaser
• The Woody Swallow Tit

And in the dunes behind a private section of the nudist beach we found evidence of a very secretive animal, but luckily we did not happen upon him in person, for he can be quite frightening if confronted, the Secluded Knob Whacker.

There are a number of birds that I did not see, but whose melodious calls filled the night. Their calls were too numerous to catalogue, but one in particular caught my ear. As I listened from the small swamp beside the main hotel block I heard the distinctive rumbling sounds of a Nutty Butt Splutter.

In several of the most secluded spots on the island I found a distant relative of the endangered Bald American Eagle, the rather more common Bald American Dickhead. The male is distinguished by his loud cry of "ISN'T IT PEACEFUL HERE!" which frightens away all native wildlife within a large radius.

As our journey drew to a close, and it was time to be escorted to the ferry, I saw another strange and interesting bird darting in and out of the driver's seat of the little passenger train. Unmistakable in its majesty, the hearty boom of its desperate call revealed it to be a Fat Fuckin Twit.

Thus ended the holiday - a time well spent, my love of nature grows ever stronger.