Everybody has them. Clients with unreasonable demands. I thought I'd share a few of mine.
Names have been omitted to protect the guilty. Ha ha ha.
Client: You charge on time and materials, is that correct?
Me: yeh, like wossup?
Client: Your rate is $100 per hour, chargeable in 6 minute increments, correct?
Me: whatevs derr.
Client: You charged us $300 to review our code. I'm informed you only spent 5 minutes on site.
Me: dude, it's not just my time, you said it yourself time and materials too. 5 minutes looking at your code took me 3 bottles of whiskey to wipe out the memories. That's some nasty code right there. You guys are going straight in my clients from hell folder. Page 1. You guys.
Client: So we're trying to determine the correct name, and there's been some internal debate.
Me: derr, whatevs. "Naming is hard", suck it up, yo.
Client: Yes. Well, we've come up with a possible...
Me: Don't be wasting time on names. Just pick a name and move on. Here, I'll pick it for you. The Goobertronic Six Million. Done. Move on. Finished.
Client: ...and we thought that 'Everyday Billing Account' would indicate...
Me: Goobertronic Six Million. It's decided. Move on.
Client: ...that it stores the Everyday Billing Information.
Me: Forget it. Goobertronic Six Million! I'm committing it. There. Done. Pushed. There. It's live. Just like that. Woo hoo! You guys are getting a whole chapter in my "clients from hell" folder. Two chapters. Don't keep looking at me like that. Three chapters. Four. Wanna keep doing it? Uh-huh. Five. That's six chapters already. I can do this all day. Seven. I'm outta here. This blows.
One more. Though I could go on all day. Clients today. SMH. (shaking my head, that is).
Client: Our lead developer tells me you broke the build.
Me: heh broke his brains more like it
Client: He tells me you pushed without compiling first.
Me: i'm a artist, i push when i wanna!
Client: Very well, but in future, can you ensure that code compiles before pushing it?
Me: move fast and break things! look it up yo! straight into my clients from hell folder. Bam!
What about you? Do you have impossible clients?